I know, I know. That’s what you want, and how you want it. That’s the rule, how it must be done, I have no choice, etc. etc. It’s cool. I understand exactly where you’re coming from. To some small degree I even sympathize with your plight. But no.

Oh, I hear your exclamations of protest quite clearly! And yes, I comprehend what you’re saying and why you’re saying it. But again, no. Sorry.

See, now you’re just being silly. Even if I were inclined to submit to your demands (which, of course, I am not), raising your voice does nothing to propel us toward a resolution.

Then again, it would be disingenuous to suggest there is any “resolution” other than doing it my way.

Oh come on now! There’s no need for that sort of language. I harbor no malice and intend no harm. I’m merely stating facts here.

I’ve considered your way. Thought about it. Analyzed it. And yeah, no.

Not now. Not tomorrow. Not ever.

Ain’t gonna happen.

Give me bullet points, not paragraphs.

I want answers, not eloquence.

I need information, not narrative.

Just tell me what I want to know.

Give me something I can use.

Tell me what you want.

Say what you mean.

Don’t waste my time.

Get to the point.

Start at the end.

Seek praise and it will always elude you.

Feign expertise and you’ll appear ignorant.

Deflect blame and it will land squarely on your shoulders.

Be everyone’s friend and you will be alienated.

Avoid labor and suffer twice the hardship.

Tinker with everything and you will accomplish nothing.

…

The work is all that matters. Do your work and rewards will follow. Humble yourself and you will be elevated. Accept blame and you will be admired. Be true to yourself and you will attract others. Confront your duties now and avoid suffering later.

Focus on your task and achieve greatness.

“Do your work, then step back. The only path to serenity.”

Dear Guy Who Just Made His Problem My Problem,

We’re all set. I took care of that problem you passed off to me. It’s probably best you avoided it because it did require a slight amount of effort. Dealing with something like that yourself would have raised a whole host of concerns. At the very least, you would have had to launch some software, which as we all know uses up precious computer memory (and occupies crucial screen real estate to boot). On top of that, you would have had to key a few strokes and click your mouse several times to accomplish the task. It’s probable you would have been required to talk to a few people as well, which is the last thing anyone wants to do (I know I sure don’t). As if all that weren’t bad enough, this particular issue would have potentially occupied 15-20 minutes of your valuable time, rather than the time of some other person, like myself, which must obviously be less valuable. No, you did the right thing.

Besides, is there some LAW saying you have to deal with every stupid problem that comes your way? What, you’re the ONLY person who can deal with an issue legitimately tasked to you, and for which you’re ideally qualified? Please! Sure, you’re an employee of the company for whom we both work, and who pays you regularly for your services, but does that constitute some kind of blood oath or something? It’s not like accepting payment means you SWEAR TO GOD to deal with every ridiculous issue that comes up. Seriously though, is agreeing to a few lines in a job description like making a promise to a dying relative? Of course not.

Anyway, everything’s been handled. Don’t even worry about it.

Sincerely,

The Guy Who Just Dealt With Your Problem

Calling in sick to work is an underappreciated artform. Hookie is a game that requires boldness and creativity to be played effectively. Many hookie players are content to “sound sick” on the phone, suggest that they’re “not feeling well”, and propose they should “stay home and recuperate”. Unfortunately, the underachievers who concoct these lame excuses vastly overestimate their acting abilities (the “sick voice” always sounds fake) and fail to realize that a vague “I’m not feeling well” is code for “I just don’t want to come in”.

Others feign altruism, suggesting that they might “get the whole office sick” if they come into work. That’s a step above “not feeling well” and shows a modicum of creativity, but it’s still the stuff of amateurs. “Food poisoning”? Forget it. Unimaginative and overused. “Diarrhea”? Bold, and perhaps effective ten or fifteen years ago, but it’s cliche at this point and basically says “I’m not coming to work, don’t question it.”

Now, the excuses above are all fine and good in a relaxed office environment. Indeed, many employers in such a setting would be honored that you made up any excuse at all rather than simply stating “I’m not coming into work”. It shows respect. But in a strict work environment where attendance is closely monitored, you’ll need to dig deep.

I can’t remember the last time I called in sick to work, but having gained experience as both a hookie player and a supervisor I’d like to think that I understand the fine art of crafting a good excuse. Below are some guidelines to follow the next time you call in sick to work.

Don’t even think about faking a sick voice. You can’t act as well as you think you can and your boss will know you’re faking it. Sure, you don’t want to sound jubilant and energetic, but no need to lay it on so thick. A calm, subdued voice will suffice.

Forget about using vague generalities–”I’m not feelng well”, “I don’t feel so hot”, etc. If you’re really sick, you’ve got real symptoms–runny nose, congestion, splitting headache, etc. Be as specific as you can.

Avoid talking about being sick to your stomach or throwing up. At first these seem like good candidates. They’re specific, and nobody wants a puking employee at the office, but you might as well just tell your boss you’re hungover and can’t come in.

Use “shock and awe”. Come up with something so absurd you couldn’t possibly be making it up. Remember, you don’t have to be sick per se, you just have to be unavailable to come into work. “I just ran over a dog and I’m really shaken up” is a good example. “My cat has some kind of infected sore and I have to take him to the vet.” Things of that nature. Your boss will probably believe it, but even if he doesn’t, he’ll be so stunned by the audacity of the excuse that he’ll let it slide.

Unique personal ailments are ok (“My nose won’t stop bleeding”, “I just lost a tooth”, etc.) but remember, you need to be able to fake your way through work the next day, so try not to overdo it.

House, apartment, and car maintenance excuses can work well. “A pipe burst and I need to wait here for a contractor” or “There was a small electrical fire downstairs” aren’t bad. Dealing with things like that could take up your whole day. “My engine seized on the thruway and I’m waiting for the tow truck, then I need to take it in to be fixed.” You get the idea.

I hope you’ve found these suggestions helpful and I’d love to hear any clever excuses you’d be willing to share. Now if you’ll excuse me, I think i dislocated my toe and should probably get it checked out.