Sometimes when I’m half asleep I speak in tongues. Does this ever happen to you? They call it “somniloquy“. With me it often happens when I’m on the verge of passing out after a night of drinking with my brother, and he always tries to maximize the experience by egging me on. One night he transcribed our conversation. I offer that transcript here for your entertainment:

Mattdude: Shit is fucked up is what it is… selling the ice rings.

Voidious: What’s fucked up about selling the ice rings?

Mattdude: You don’t have to spend anything.

Voidious: Why would I care about spending anything?

Mattdude: ‘Cuz… it’s expenditures yo.

Voidious: So what you’re saying is that I need to buy some ice rings.

Mattdude: No… I’m just saying that…

Voidious: That what?

Mattdude: That Google needs to fucking kiss my ass.

Voidious: Why do you say that?

Mattdude: Dude, don’t toy with me dude… Do not be toying with me yo. I can tell, yo, when I’m being toyed with yo.

Voidious: Dude I thought we were talking about ice rings.

Mattdude: Dude, I got my special no-fuck-with-me glasses on dude. I think there’s something Rachel wants to say to me yo.

Voidious: Well, I dunno dude.

On another occasion he recorded a video of my half-conscious ramblings, but I’ll save that for a future post.

Both are good, but one is better.

Since my friends and colleagues are no doubt sick of hearing me yap about the subject, I’ll try to get it out of my system with this post. Here are a few reasons I like Twitter better than Facebook:

Twitter updates are generally positive, meaningful, and substantive. Facebook status updates are often negative, shallow, and narcissistic.

Twitter puts my finger on the pulse of the internet. Facebook puts my finger on the pulse of a closed group.

Twitter encourages creative expression of thought. Facebook encourages expression by proxy (via quizzes, groups, pages, games, etc.).

Twitter is about reaching out. Facebook is about looking in.

Twitter provides real-time updates on any subject. Facebook provides real-time updates of my friends’ achievements in Farmville and Mafia Wars.

Twitter is flexible. Facebook is constrained.

Twitter’s web interface has a single, unobtrusive text ad. Facebook’s interface has multiple, distracting image ads.

Twitter’s settings are straightforward. Facebook’s settings are complicated.

Twitter doesn’t push groups and pages on me after I’ve dismissed them countless times.

Twitter’s interface is quick and simple. Facebook’s interface is sludgy and complex.

Facebook is buggy. Twitter is less buggy.

Twitter doesn’t ever suggest I become friends with a total stranger.

Twitter is a communication medium. Facebook doesn’t know what it is.

Just my opinion, of course. For a more intelligent discussion of the topic check out this article at TwiTip. The truth is I think both Twitter and Facebook are amazing platforms, and they serve very different functions. I will likely continue using both for the foreseeable future.

Jaiku‘s better than either of ‘em anyway. ;)

Dear Guy Who Just Made His Problem My Problem,

We’re all set. I took care of that problem you passed off to me. It’s probably best you avoided it because it did require a slight amount of effort. Dealing with something like that yourself would have raised a whole host of concerns. At the very least, you would have had to launch some software, which as we all know uses up precious computer memory (and occupies crucial screen real estate to boot). On top of that, you would have had to key a few strokes and click your mouse several times to accomplish the task. It’s probable you would have been required to talk to a few people as well, which is the last thing anyone wants to do (I know I sure don’t). As if all that weren’t bad enough, this particular issue would have potentially occupied 15-20 minutes of your valuable time, rather than the time of some other person, like myself, which must obviously be less valuable. No, you did the right thing.

Besides, is there some LAW saying you have to deal with every stupid problem that comes your way? What, you’re the ONLY person who can deal with an issue legitimately tasked to you, and for which you’re ideally qualified? Please! Sure, you’re an employee of the company for whom we both work, and who pays you regularly for your services, but does that constitute some kind of blood oath or something? It’s not like accepting payment means you SWEAR TO GOD to deal with every ridiculous issue that comes up. Seriously though, is agreeing to a few lines in a job description like making a promise to a dying relative? Of course not.

Anyway, everything’s been handled. Don’t even worry about it.

Sincerely,

The Guy Who Just Dealt With Your Problem

Just a quick memo for anyone who isn’t up to speed. The following practices are no longer acceptable in online discussion forums. This decree applies to message board replies, Faceboook comments, and anywhere else on the internet where written conversation takes place. Thank you for your cooperation.

Beginning a Post with “Lol” or “Hahah”
This practice is rampant on the web and needs to stop. I confess I do it myself all the time (I’m working on it). It’s a way to quickly indicate agreement with the previous comment and placate the comment’s author. For example:

Netizen: The Joker is the greatest villain ever!
n00b: Lol totally!

Using “Lol” and “Hahah” in the Same Post
People do this to create filler because they can’t think of anything interesting to say. Alternatively, they do it to soften the blow of a dissenting opinion. These terms are the digital equivalent of a grunt. Come on people, nobody laughs this much:

Netizen: Heath Ledger is the best Joker ever!
n00b: Hahah he was ok but Nicholson pwns him lol

Using “Lol” Multiple Times in the Same Post
See above.

Beginning a Post with “Um[m/mm/mmm]” or “Uh[h/hh/hhh]“
Doing this makes you look like a jerk. It’s often used in a reply that disagrees with a previous comment. The respondent uses “um” to start his post as if to indicate he’s pausing (perhaps wincing in pain) as he struggles to comprehend your stupidity. Here’s an example:

Netizen: The Dark Knight is the best movie ever!
Asshole: Um, actually it isn’t.

To seem like an even bigger cocknose, the respondent will sometimes end his reply with a question mark, as such:

Netizen: The Dark Knight is the best movie ever!
Asshole: Uhh, actually it isn’t?

Or:

Netizen: The Dark Knight is the best movie ever!
Asshole: Um, no?

Using the Phrase “I Know Right[?/!]” Ever
I knew the girl who started this back in ’98, when it was a new and neat way to indicate agreement while opening the door for further discussion. Now it just makes you look dumb.

Netizen: Christian Bale was the best Batman ever!
n00b: I know right!

I hope this helps clear up any confusion. Oh, one final note: if you want to come off as the biggest dickhead of all, write a blog post about how stupid everybody acts on the internet.

I get a lot of ideas that never manifest as fully realized blog posts. Ok, maybe “fully realized” isn’t the right phrase. “Half baked” is more accurate, but I digress. Anyway, all my posts start as a few words in a digital sticky note, followed by a slow fleshing-out in a text file. If I’m lucky, they finally, hopefully, become reasonably coherent posts.

Most don’t, however. They linger, languish, even, for months and years on end. These undeveloped, orphan thoughts stare at me day after day until eventually I just tune them out. I know I’ll never cultivate them but I just can’t admit it to myself.

So rather than letting these ideas fester and rot, I present them to you. Here are my currently pending incomplete thoughts. Links to any notes I compiled are provided after each summary. Perhaps someone out there can develop them further because, apparently, I sure as hell won’t.

Star Wars vs. Star Trek

The idea here was to create an objective comparison of the two legendary franchises. No subjective interpretation or philosophical discussions, just hard data: box office, advertising, and merchandising revenue, viewing hours, and any other objective measure of success I could imagine. It was easy to find box office revenue for the feature films and I was just getting started on viewing hours, but then I realized the whole endeavor would be far too difficult. How would I determine revenue from advertising? Should I also account for novels, comics, video games, and all the myriad “expanded universe” properties? The data could probably be obtained somewhere, somehow, likely after exhausting research and leg work, but I’m way too lazy for all of that.
View Notes for “Star Wars vs. Star Trek”.

Fox Mulder Ultimate Rant

This one was inspired by an episode of The Simpsons featuring Dana Scully and Fox Mulder from The X-Files. I recalled a hilarious rant by Mulder in that episode which perfectly lampooned his wacky but passionate character. I thought it would be a riot to string together most or all of Mulder’s ramblings about government conspiracy into a single, ultimate rant. I was off to a good start, but it just proved too hard to find enough appropriate quotes and combine them in a sensible way.
View Notes for “Fox Mulder Ultimate Rant”.

Why Burn Notice is Better than Lost

Of all my unrealized ideas this was closest to fruition. It seemed like a very simple premise: explain why I enjoy one television program more than another. I was all proud of myself for coming up with the idea to correlate the differences between the two shows to the contrast between Star Wars and Lord of the Rings. The idea never evolved beyond a few bullet points.
View notes for “Why Burn Notice is Better than Lost“.

100 Reasons to Keep Smoking

I’ve had this idea in mind for years. It occurred to me one day as I lit up while stuck in traffic. I experienced a glimmer of euphoria as my thoughts drifted away from the insufferable delay and toward getting my nicotine fix. Being able to smoke made the traffic more bearable. I started thinking of other good reasons to keep smoking: suppresses appetite, gives cause to carry a lighter which can come in handy, things like that. Furthermore, it seemed like a radical thing to put out there. Everybody talks about how you should stop smoking, so why not be different and propose reasons to keep smoking? At the very least, it might get a rise out of the vocal anti-smoker crowd. >;-]

Laziness Manifesto

It pains me a little to include this here, but after so many years of dwelling on the idea I think it’s time to let it go. In fact, I’ve grown comfortable believing that not pursuing this idea honors its essence more than actually doing anything with it. The concept was basically that “laziness” has been the prime motivator for all of humanity’s greatest inventions. Every great piece of technology we have was created because someone wanted to do less work.

Well there you have it. I hereby cast these neglected seedlings out into the interwebz, in the hopes they take root and grow. If not, that’s ok, at least I have a clean slate.